Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Let Me Save You

We have been assured by Christian fundamentalist Harold Camping and his followers that the long-awaited Judgment Day is May 21. That gives us only ten more days of normal life.

The Geezer was concerned. A quick google of “Judgment Day” turned up all the biblical arguments and associated mathematical formulas that Camping says prove beyond a doubt we all will be brought to judgment on the 21st. Further, after a period of Rapture in which the “elect” will be taken up into heaven, the world will end on October 21. The webpage evidence was overwhelming. It made a believer of me.

Being convinced we now are living in the last few day’s of the history of earth, I did a little more Internet searching for details about just who the “elect” may be. Well, I found precisely who they will not be.

The Christian bible says, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God.” Wow! That’s pretty clear. We can assume that rich women, except for very skinny ones, also are excluded from entering the pearly gates. In the days Matthew allegedly penned the words, men didn’t feel much obligation to give spending money to their ladies, which probably explains the discriminatory language.

Some fundamentalists have tried to wiggle out of the clear biblical meaning by claiming the “eye” really is a narrow street or gate, so only the chubbiest of billionaires would have to be concerned. A majority of religious thinkers, however, say those who put forth this view are full of camel dung. The needle is a needle, and needles don’t have big eyes. And camels have big humps.

Unfortunately, nowhere in the bible is there a concise, or any other, definition of “rich.” So we are left on our own to figure that out. At least in America, almost everyone who is not extremely wealthy took a real kick in the assets during the last two years. So, it seems fair to define as “rich” any person whose net worth at the moment exceeds $10.

After pondering the situation at length, I have decided to sacrifice myself to save vast numbers of my fellow citizens. After all, I have lived a long and satisfying life. It is now time to dedicate what few days remain to others.

If you are nervous about your wealth, you can wrest yourself from among the rich guys who are going to unpleasant places on October 21 by cashing everything in and sending me the difference between your liquified assets and $10. Hurry. This offer definitely expires at midnight May 20. After that, it's a crap shoot.

Should the million-to-one chance that the fundamentalists are wrong actually happen and we are still here on October 22, I will cheerfully return all of your cash (except for a minor administrative fee of 5 percent to cover postage, transportation, and office expenses).

No need to thank me. The joy of giving myself up for a good cause will be reward enough.


JHawk23 said...

Excellent! Your self-sacrifice is ennobling.

Sightings said...

I thought we had until Dec. 2012. Damn!

Okay, so I cashed out. Here's the problem, after including my mortgage, my credit card balance, my car loan, and my kids' student loans, I'm in the hole by about $40k

So you can send me a check for $40,010 to:
Tom Sightings
PO Box 555
Kenya, Africa

(Some people think I was born in Hawaii, but I was actually born in Kenya, with dual Indonesian citizenship.)

Kay Dennison said...

Geeeeeeeeeez I wish all the best. I have no wealth whatsoever. sigh

Ginnie said...

What a wonderful offer and I would be happy to send you my worldly goods ... the only problem is that nothing's left! Will you accept donations of old furniture and used clothes???

Big John said...

At least I won't have to get up early on the 22nd. said...

People believe what they want to believe, and no one can prove them wrong. Even believing there is nothing to believe is a belief.

Dick Klade said...

Old friend Gloria Jensen-Sutton commented via Facebook. She wrote regarding the end of the world:

"If it's nuclear, I plan to lie naked in my patio lounge chair with a stencil on my chest stating, "Tan At Last!"

(Glo is a redhead, who has a bit of trouble tanning up under normal circumstances.)